Street theatre by Jos Bell and the friends of Lewisham SOS NHS

12 speaking parts, 4 non speaking, Extra chorus members

Sung chorus – although all lines can be spoken instead

Characters :

Auctioneer – wearing NHS for SALE sign and gavel. Also bag of smarties
Lansley – Suit with character mask Label LaLaLansley
Clegg – Suit with character mask Label Codger Clegg
Cameron – Suit with character mask Label Cunning Cameron
Patient 1 with bad hips and crutches
Patient 2 with cataracts
Nurse ( no lines )
Patient 3 in bloody sheet with drip tube
Surgeons in scrubs, surgical masks x 2 with knives & forks (no lines )
US Profit maker with bag of coins in sharp suit
Expectant lady – patient 4 – with suitably placed cushion
Cherry Pick (patient 5 wearing large name label )
3 x Bidders for Cherry Pick & local hospital, smart suits, labelled
Singers for songs and chorus lines ( marked in green ) – pref dressed as nurses, physios etc

NHS for Sale

INTRO

Auctioneer ( on raised platform/box with placard and gavel)

Roll up ! Roll up! NHS for Sale! NHS for Sale!

Doctors and patients count for nothing

Greedy shareholders want to keep the rest

Lansley, Clegg and Cameron are set to steal our NHS!

Roll up! Roll up! NHS for Sale!

SONG (To Casualty theme tune )

In 1948 Nye Bevan said

Long live the welfare state

Whether you’re rich or you’re poor Don’t have to pay anymore

When you fall ill

NHS under threat from

Coalition government

Waiting lists will get worse

Profiteers lining their purse

Unless we fight!

Auctioneer: Sale time! Sale time! NHS for Sale! NHS for Sale!

What will you bid? What will you bid?

Never mind the quality! It’s all about the cut!

Never mind the cure! It’s all about a bargain!

I see you have bad leg madam! Do you need both crutches?

No of course you don’t!

Patient 1: But I need them! I need them! My hips don’t work!
Auctioneer Your hips don’t work you say?Well you can have one of each. One hip and one crutch

As for you over there – watch where you are going!

Patient 2 I can’t see! I can’t see!

Auctioneer What? What?

Patient 2 You don’t have to shout – I can hear you! I just can’t see you!

Auctioneer Aha! Would that be cataracts? Well we have a bargain today! Give up a kidney and you can have both cataracts done!

Patient 2 But I want to keep my kidneys! I need them!

Auctioneer In which case you can have one cataract done – which eye do you like best?

Patient 2 Both of them!

Auctioneer Aha! Now what have we here Nurse?? These look a profitable bunch!
Surgeons operating with knives and forks patient with drip and blood soaked sheet

Chorus chant: No we are here to operate!

We are here to chop up the patient

We are here to kill or cure

Patient 3 (in blood soaked sheet) No no! Help help!

Cameron: You can manage without anaesthetic! Who needs expensive equipment! You don’t need any training

Chorus chant: When we’ve got to make a profit just like the USA

Lansley : Yes you have to make a profit! Just like the USA

I will make a killing while patients die on the floor Cos the NHS that you love so much Just won’t be here any more Yes you have to make a profit! Just like the USA

Chorus chant: Chop up the patient – kill or cure

Because the NHS won’t be here any more

Auctioneer Roll up ! Roll up! NHS for Sale! NHS for Sale!

What will you give me for these lovely pink pills?

US Profit maker ( in smart suit shaking bag of money)

Pills? Who needs pills?

I can offer you better than pills! Cheaper than pills!

Here – have a bag of pennies and halve the number of nurses!

You won’t know the difference

Once the patient dies

Auctioneer Aha! Madam I see that you are expecting!

pregnant lady (patient 4) Yes, I think I’m about to pop!

Auctioneer Well you can’t pop here – it costs too much

pregnant lady patient 4)I need a midwife!

AuctioneerThere aren’t any left – you’ll have to improvise. Go away!

pregnant lady (patient 4) Ooooooooooooo

SONG Ode to privatisation (to the tune of John Brown’s Body)

Well, they’ve privatised gas and they’ve

Privatised phones

They’ve privatised water and they’ve

privatised our homes

They wanna make a profit any way they can

In the name of efficiency

Oh profit ( la la la la la )

Oh profit ( la la la la la )

Oh I wonder where it goes, oh heaven only knows

Oh profit ( la la la la la )

Lots of profit (la la la la la)

But it’s not for you or me

They’re trying to privatise health, they wanna

Privatise schools

They’re privatising benefits and changing

All the rules

Competition’s healthy or so they say

But not for the workers’ pay

Oh profit ( la la la la la )

Lovely profit (la la la la la )

For the pockets of the few while there’s

Millions on the dole queue

Profit (la la la la la )

Still more profilt ( la la la la la )

But it’s not for you or me

Auctioneer Who will bid me for this patient? Who will bid me for this patient?!

(Patient no 5 – labelled Cherry Pick )

Chorus chant : Who will be a cherry picker? Who will be a cherry picker?

Private healthcare bidders:

1. No she’s chronic!!

2. Too complex! Too expensive! Too pricey!

3. Oh give her to me – I’ll finish her off!

Auctioneer: Done!

NOW – who wants a lovely hospital going cheap?

Private healthcare bidders: WE DO !!

Auctioneer Roll up! Roll up! What will you give me for this group of greedy codgers?

Lansley : Aha I want your blood! I want your blood!

Blood donations are going to be private –

But how do I know that it’s safe?

well, if there’s money to be made, why not?

Cameron : A+E – I know what you’re thinking – expensive, no?!

Well, think about it this way: these people are at their most needy…

so it’s the perfect opportunity to bleed ’em dry while their bleeding…

Come on pay up! Pay up!

Clegg : Paediatrics – people will do anything for their kids – especially get their credit cards out… Come on get your PIN out!

Chorus chant :David Cameron hates your children. Pay up! Pay up!

Yes – Andrew Lansley hates you too! Pay up! Pay up!

They don’t care about the dying ‘cos there’s no money to be made from death!

Andrew Lansley hates the young.

Nick Clegg hates the old .

David Cameron hates you all

Auctioneer: Roll up! Roll up! NHS for Sale! NHS for Sale!

What will you give me for these manky old codgers?

Chorus chant :NOTHING!

SONG (to the tune of Biko)

Leader: We’ll fight on We will fight on to save the NHS X 2

We will fight on X 2

We will fight on to save the NHS

Leader: We won’t pay

We will not pay the bankers’ debts X 2

We will not pay X 2

We will not pay the bankers’ debts

Leader: The poorest

Why should the poorest foot the bill X2

Why should the poor X2

Why should the poorest foot the bill

Leader: The NHS

We will defend the NHS X2

We will defend X2

We will defend the NHS

Repeat verse 1

4 Comments

  1. WHS says:

    Childish in the extreme.

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